THE INEVITABLE - DEATH, THE END OF LIVING
This is dedicated in memory to my good friend Bobby Shah, aged 47, who passed away on 15 October 2019.
I had been meaning to write on this topic soon after writing about my experience of identity theft (still to be completed and published - it is not as important).
Over the last few years I have been attending more prayer meetings and funerals for family members, friends parents and wider community members. Each time it is a stark reminder of how short life is, not to waste time on the mundane and to do the things that matter. Also each time I am often at a loss on how best to respond, what to say and how to provide some support and solace despite deep feelings of empathy and compassion. Each time it makes me reflect on my ageing parents and in-laws and ultimately on my own life and mortality.
During a couple weeks towards the end of Summer I was hearing about people we knew or their relatives passing away almost on a daily basis. In some cases it was old age, others health in one of many forms of cancer, related to heart problems, diabetes or an accident. Almost on a daily basis we hear on the news about a knife related murder in the capital.
Even with spiritual learning, faith, personal development and knowledge of the science of happiness and understanding that our true nature is an eternal Soul it is hard to deal with death. I share about time management and Begin with the End in mind.
This is a poem shared by one of Bobby’s friends which is apt.
Farewell My Friends by Rabindranath Tagore
Farewell My Friends
It was beautiful
As long as it lasted
The journey of my life.
I have no regrets
Whatsoever said
The pain I’ll leave behind.
Those dear hearts
Who love and care...
And the strings pulling
At the heart and soul...
The strong arms
That held me up
When my own strength
Let me down.
At the turning of my life
I came across
Good friends,
Friends who stood by me
Even when time raced me by.
Farewell, farewell My friends
I smile and
Bid you goodbye.
No, shed no tears
For I need them not
All I need is your smile.
If you feel sad
Do think of me
For that’s what I’ll like
When you live in the hearts
Of those you love
Remember then
You never die.
According to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross there are 5 chronological stages to grief:
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
We were aware that Bobby had a cardiac arrest two weeks ago and were getting regular updates on his situation. Latest update had been that small progress was in the right direction. Knowing his character of being a fighter and young in age we really thought and hoped he would pull through. Alas the news on Tuesday 15th October 2019 in the afternoon gut wrenched us. We were numb, my wife and I consoled each other. We checked in and spoke with friends to see how they were doing. I was and still am filled with a real sense of loss, remorse, sadness and grief that I have not felt and experienced in a long time. Being a positive, optimistic, happy person with practices to help me stay that way I have not embraced or felt these emotions of loss, grief and sadness in a long time.
Tuesday evening the emotions over ran and I cried uncontrollably being consoled and hugged by my wife. Since then I have often been moist eyed and am as I write this. I still need a good cry - to wallow in the grief. My thoughts often go to Bobby, the memories and that sense of loss and regret. A few times while driving I have missed turnings as mind wandering. Time seems to have slowed down.
My wife and I discussed that not having physical health can be an impact on quality of life, so can not having mental health (be it depression or any form of dementia) while having good physical health. In fact all 4 need to be kept good: Physical, Mental, Social/Emotional and Spiritual. See previous post
A palliative nurse called Bronnie Ware who cared for people in their last 12 weeks of life has captured in a book The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying :
I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
I wish that I had let myself be happier.
Something for us to reflect on and action.
Here are some of the things that I have shared with others to help during this difficult time that may help
What were their strongest qualities?
How were they expressed (stories, anecdotes, examples, etc.)?
What was their life motto/key principles?
What are your fondest memories?
The challenges they faces and how they dealt with them
The use of the happiness journal.
I am grateful for having Bobby in my life
I am grateful for the time we shared and memories created
I am grateful that he is no longer in pain or suffering
Bobby was a great friend to all and very sociable.
He was not afraid to try new things and made bold choices. He studied graphic design and pursued a career in that area during a time when most people were pursuing careers in accountancy, medical related, business or IT. This pursuit led him to work for the esteemed Fitch consultancy. Another bold choice was during the internet revolution he left core graphic design to be part of a start up working for may months in India as a co-founder of a tech start up. He re-skilled and saw opportunities in digital recruitment and later as a digital career coach.
He was an early advocate of Apple Macs before Apple became mainstream.
His friendly, encouraging, helpful and cheerful personality meant he touched many hearts. Community Service was a strong aspect of his life and he helped many community organisations, companies and individuals including Navnat, Veerayatan and Young Jains. Many spiritual leaders and saints from the various Jain organisations and groups where praying for him over the last 2 weeks.
He saw a need to help and created groups : Dance with Diabetics and one for Career mums. He loved dancing.
I have many fond memories from our 20s and 30s where we spent most time together. Most weekends we would be either going to the cinema, plays, shows, club, family picnic, out for a meal, getting together at someone's house watching a movie, playing games or just chatting.
Going ski-ing with a large group in the late 90s, joining friends who were going to Manchester to watch international cricket, garden parties and family picnics in the summer, going to Pizza Express after Navnat Youth Badminton or almost each week after 20 week Jain Course being taught by our Jain teacher - Mr Vinodbhai Kapashi.
The various groups of friends had shared various milestones in each others lives such as birthdays, job changes, engagements, marriage, birth of children, passing of parents, Diwali, Christmas and so forth. He has now taken the courageous and bold step to work on his next big project.
I regret not making so many positive memories in recent times or being there more often for him and family during the last few years.
May his Soul Rest in Peace. Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.
Resources and Actions
This is a wonderful collection of resources please do look into them
Live with Loss by my friend Suraj Shah a trained bereavement support visitor
Organising a Jain Funeral by my friend Heena Modi (Suraj’s wife) has written an excellent article with great links (whether Jain or not)
Get a Will and Power of Attorney sorted, I recommend contacting my friend Shandip Shah of Balance Consultancy
Talk to family and friends of what you are feeling and going through - share your feelings and emotions, write them down/ journal them - do not keep them bottled up. Being aware of your present emotions, sensations and thoughts is much of what mindfulness is about
Begin with the End in Mind - focus on what matters and do those things - it is more about health, relationships, emotions and less about more hours in the office or bigger pay packet, though do not neglect creating habits for long term financial security.
Read Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom - based on true story, reminds us what matters
Watch and read The Last Lecture again true story of a cancer patient, beautiful messages - include some of my favourites like Disney and Star Wars!
Re-watch the classic Steve Jobs Stanford speech - How to Live before you die.
Really useful podcast on 6th stage of grief by Commune.
About the Author
Shaileen Shah is a Happiness Coach, Speaker and Trainer. Previously having been in finance technology for the investment banking arm of RBS during the RBS takeover of Natwest, the RBS takeover of ABN Ambro and the financial crisis he has experienced the challenges brought by uncertainty, change and stress. He is certified in The Science of Happiness and shares through Happy Life Habits. Happy Life Habits Positively Impacts Happiness & Well Being Levels by creatively and uniquely combining Personal Development + The Science of Happiness + Spirituality. A business for Good; supporting the UNs Sustainable Development Goals. For more information see HappyLifeHabits.co.uk.